My 6 year old stepdaughter, Amy, has a vivid imagination (mind you, she’s not the only one). While I was reading in front of the fireplace the other night. She informed me that our house may have a leprechaun. Well, this was new.

I immediately thought, ”Oh no, here we go again”. I still wasn’t over the  “Elf on the Shelf” fiasco at xmas time.

I had picked Amy up at the bus stop after school one day in December. She sat in her seat and started rambling on and on about an elf. Oh kids have such vivid imaginations. She continued on and on about it, but I was too busy rocking out to Earth Wind and Fire’s “September” to really hear what she was saying.

After the song ended, Amy resumed with describing this “elf” with such detail I thought for sure she was nuts. She was telling me what he looked like, where in the house she had seen him, what mischief he’d been up to and I was getting creeped out. This elf was starting to sound real. We got back to the house and she started running from room to room frantically. After searching what must’ve been every room in the house, she came to me teary eyed while I was hanging up my coat, totally shaken up that the elf wasn’t at our house.

Amy: He’s not here.

Me: (I’d already forgotten about the elf because, well, it wasn’t about me) Who’s not here?

Amy: (crying now) The elf.

Me: Elf? What elf? (was she still going on about this??)

Amy: The elf in the red suit. He spilled sugar and walked through it on the counter and I saw his footprints at my mom’s house. There’s no spilled sugar here.

Me: Ohhhhh… (at this point I was completely bewildered)

Amy: He spilled milk on the floor, and before that he was in my room on the bookshelf and then I found him watching me from the sofa. And now I can’t find him here.

Me: (thinking… This is just creepy. It was “watching” her from the sofa? I didn’t like the sound of this. What the hell is she talking about? Has she eaten something bad and is hallucinating? Was she on some sort of trip from the pesticides that remained on her grapes from lunch? Like what the hell? Okay, I need to remain calm here.) Okay. I will help you find him. What does he look like?

Amy: He has a pointy hat, looks sideways, has an evil grin and is wearing red lipstick. Oh, and he makes messes.

Oh my goodness, this was getting really weird…. Red lipstick, pointy hat and makes messes… I was beginning to wonder if she had a fever because I honestly never heard of this elf nor had I seen him, and I to be quite frank, I was pretty sure that I didn’t want to see him.

Amy: We have to find him. (sobbing at this point)

And then it came to me, the “elf”… I suddenly remembered seeing him on a friend’s facebook photo. Indeed, many of my friend’s December’s facebook statuses were inundated with photo updates of this “elf” doing bad things and suddenly I recalled seeing one that morning from my friend Tara. It was a photo of said elf driving Barbie’s convertible with his arm around her. Ooooh…. If only Ken could see that evil elf. I grabbed my cell phone and brought up the picture.

elf and barbie

Me: “Is THIS the elf?”

Amy: That’s him!

Me: (I could win an Oscar for this performance) Well no wonder we can’t find him here, he’s all the way in Ontario at Scarlet’s house. Look at that, he’s riding in Barbie’s car! Oh that sneaky little elf!

Amy: (even more distraught) Ontario?!?!? Do you know how far that is Janet? How is he gonna get back here?

Me: (thinking logically) Well, he’ll probably borrow Barbie’s car and drive here.

Amy: (stating rather logically) It takes two days to drive here from Ontario. I want to see him nowwww.

Me: Nahhhh… it’s not a far drive for an elf. He could really make good time in that car, especially if he hits Quebec through the middle of the night, drives straight through, doesn’t stop anywhere off the highway and doesn’t get lost, because God help him if he has to ask someone for directions because it’s been my experience that the people in Quebec are …. (suddenly I had to stop myself because for starters, Amy was staring at me and secondly I was talking like this was really going to happen and I was way too concerned with the non-existent driving route of a doll in a non-motorized Barbie car.)

Luckily, that ended the fiasco with the elf on the shelf. She became too interested in other things and had forgotten about him, well that, and the fact that once we discovered this stupid “elf” was a whopping $30 at Chapters we informed her that elf had poked the cat in the eye one night and was no longer allowed at our house, so he’d only be seen at her mom’s house after that. Hey, it worked.

Sooo… this brings us back to the other night when she informed me of the possibility of a leprechaun living in our house.

Amy: Soooo… I think there’s a leprechaun who lives in our house.

Me: How would we know if there was a leprechaun living here?

Amy: Wellll, there would be signs of mischief around.

Me: Yah? Like what?

Amy: Liiiiiike, if you found messes around the house.

Uh huh. Then I’m guessing the leprechaun is named Amy and I’m guessing it likes to make crafts from construction paper and likes to eat candy and drink from mini juice boxes because I’ve seen plenty of messes left around from that. I know this because when I was growing up there was a leprechaun named “Janet” living in our house too… who used to rifle through my sisters’ purses looking for gum, would dress up the cat, and do other random acts of mischief that no one else enjoyed but me.

Me: And what kind of messes exactly?

Amy: Welllllllllllll, like if you found all your dresses on the floor in your closet.

Oh great. I’m having a feeling there’s an even BIGGER mound of clothes on my closet floor by this new “leprechaun”(hey, I never said that the leprechaun I had growing up ever left).

Me: Uh huh. And what else?

Amy: Welllllllll, maybe there will be stuff spilled on the floor.

I made a 90 degree turn in my chair and did a quick scan of the portion of the kitchen floor that I could see from my seat….half expecting to see a mountain of cereal, a small stream of milk, or something else that needed attention. There was nothing.

Amy: Sooooo… we should make him a house to live in.

Me: And what would it look like?

Amy: It could be a box, because leprechauns are small. We could put furniture in it and make windows out of scotch tape.

This is what Amy had in mind.

This is what Amy had in mind….

And this is what I had in mind.

… and this is what I had in mind… except a bigger lawn, perhaps a little brook meandering through it, and possibly the addition of a heated pool.

Me: Ahhh yes, windows are good.

Amy: It has to have windows, and we could cut holes in the box and put scotch tape over them so he can see through them. He needs the windows so he can watch our big screen tv.

Me: Oh… cuz they like to watch tv, do they?

Amy: Yes, when they aren’t being bad.

And then once again, I got wrapped up in the delusion… I pictured a slew of things I’d seen on Pinterest… we could make the leprechaun a lovely stone house from pebbles, make some furniture, I could make some curtains from small snippets of fabric, and on and on it went. Suddenly I envisioned a whole villa decorated perfectly for a leprechaun. Yes, a leprechaun. A fictitious creature that doesn’t exist.

I’ve since quelled my delusions about creating a living space for the leprechaun… after all, Amy says there may be a troll living under the basement stairs now.. and well… while he’s got a place to live – his wardrobe and appearance need some serious attention.

I'm thinking new hairdo, chemical peel, dental work, some hair removal and new wardrobe...

I’m thinking new hairdo, chemical peel, dental work, some hair removal and new wardrobe…