With all the hub-bub of the Olympics it got me thinking today whilst perfecting my laying-in-the-pool skills that I really couldn’t be an olympic athlete.

Here’s why:

1. I don’t like to exercise.

Yah, that’s right. I hate exercise and I don’t like sweating. That’s a problem if you spend copious amounts of time training. Ewww… no thanks. My idea of bicep curls is bringing food to my face. My idea of running is when I hastily jaunt to the toaster before my breakfast burns. And aside from all that, you can’t wear high-heeled shoes when exercising, so no, this is clearly not for me.

2. I don’t like sports.

I almost hate them. And I’m not sure I really even like people who play sports. I’d rather watch paint dry, or bugs drown in the pool, or a pooping dog than watch even a minute of sports (except hockey because that isn’t a sport, it’s a religion.)

3. Some of the olympic “sports” aren’t even “sports” – if you ask me (which you didn’t, but I’m saying it anyway.)

I’m not sure just how archery, sailing and any of the equestrian events (unless you are the horse) are even considered sports. They require skill – yes – but aren’t sports in my opinion. Archery? Isn’t that just a glorified version of shooting tin cans with a beebee gun?

And how is sailing a sport? Seems to me an olympic sport involving a sailboat would be more in the line of “sailboat tossing”, or “jumping over sailboats” maybe.

And with the equestrian events, they shouldn’t even BE olympic events unless the horse is in a saddle on the athlete’s back. Now that would be an olympic sport I would watch. It seems to me that jumping a fence with a thoroughbred on your back would take more effort than just riding one around and around an arena.  Seriously though, horses jumping fences – how in the hell is that an olympic sport? Is it because it takes skill to control a horse? Gimme a break. I’m thinking that if the horse is the only one on a calorie reduced diet prior to the event, it’s the horse who’s the athlete.

Many athletes train for years and years with grueling regimes, enduring injury and exhaustion in achieving extreme physical prowess… and then someone gets the same medals for pulling out an arrow and shooting it at a target, or steering a horse while it jumps a fence – yah, that seems fair.  I guess they should add dog show competitions to the 2016 olympics, right after “tv channel surfing” and “nose picking”. But whatever.

Seriously? If this is going to be an olympic event, shouldn’t the horse be the one on the podium when the medals are given out?

4. I’m a quitter.

While watching Good Morning America one day (yes, I watch GMA because Canadian morning news shows are lame-o and the stories are sooo boring… “Manitoba man finds litter on property”, or “It’s raining in the forest again”) I saw an interview with one of the American gymnasts who said she trains 8 hours a day. Say what? 8 hours? Every day? Pfftt… after a week of me doing something like that I’d have the attitude “yah, that should be good enough… I’m ready for the Olympics… call me when it’s time to go.”

5. I’m lazy.

The mere idea of having to train day in and day out doing the same thing over and over makes me too tired to even try. Sounds monotonous. Sounds like my job actually, except I’m not timed and required to beat my previous time. The only “marathon” event I’m interested in is a tv marathon of my favorite show.

6. I’d turn into the Incredible Hulk if I didn’t win a medal.

I know I already said I don’t want to train for  it, don’t want to exercise and hate sports… but I’m the kind of person who thinks that unless an athlete wins a gold medal, they failed. I know, I knowwwww, it’s an incredible achievement just to get to go to the Olympics, just like it’s an honor to be nominated for an Oscar, but unless there was a hunk of gold around my neck – it would be an epic fail for me. No gold medal – fail. Got a silver one – fail-you shoulda tried harder to get a gold. Bronze medal – puh-leeze – may as well have just finished last. It’s gold or bust for me. But that’s easy for me to say when I have no discipline, drive or desire for anything that requires effort.

7. I’m Canadian (well, I’m half American, but the Canadian side has won over)

Uh… hello. I think we have maybe 12 medals, maybe? I think Michael Phelps beat that in one swim. And I think even Cuba has more gold than us. Let’s face it, we are a country of olympic hopefuls, we’re just not medal-fuls. Although I’m quite certain we WOULD get a gold medal for the worst dressed at the opening ceremonies. I mean, beige pants and a red jacket with “Canada” emblazoned on it? That’s the best we could do? Did our olympic team just find out the night before that they were going to London and just grabbed whatever jackets the Roots store had on hand?

Who’s the genius that came up with this ensemble?

8. Makeup would be pointless.

I don’t even go to the mailbox without a full face of makeup on, so parading around in public and on international tv without makeup on would give me hives and make me cranky. No one wants a cranky athlete, no one.

9. I love chocolate, candy, and all things banned from a serious athletes diet.

It’s true. I do. I should be a member of CA – Chocoholics Anonymous, or heck even the group for Chocoholics who aren’t “anonymous”. So yah, I’m sure there aren’t any Olympians chowing down on a box of Mike n’ Ikes, a Mars bar, or a bag of Doritos during training (except for the archers, sailors, or horseback riders who could enter pie eating contests right before their events with no physical consequence to their “sport”). But who knows, maybe I’m wrong. Doubt it, but maybe.

And that pretty much sums up some of the main reasons I wouldn’t be an Olympian.

I wish all athletes in all countries the absolute best because while I’m sarcastic in my blog about not liking the olympics, or making fun of the lack of skill in some sports, I do realize that they’ve trained for years to get there and that’s an amazing feat. However, with that in mind, I’m looking forward to the closing ceremonies, not because I’m planning to watch, but because it will mean they are over… at least for a few years.

So yah… I won’t be making any olympic team in this lifetime…. unless “tv channel surfing”, “floating in the pool”, or “ranting and raving” are debuted at the next olympics. In that case, I better get practicing.

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